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From: http://howtodealwithme.blogspot.com/2015/02/love-february-self-worth.html |
Self, Interrupted
The primary and ultimate barrier to your ability to have a
successful and stable relationship starts with yourself. Unfortunately, it is
nearly universal that individuals (myself a “leader” in this aspect) lack a
good relationship with themselves at some point, or many points in their
lives.
The causes are most often tied to: abuse, a lack of
introspection, focused misplaced on materialism, success trappings, and repeated
failure(s) in prior intimate experience(s). Sometimes, all of these are present
and interacting – making the process within one’s self an even more difficult
trek.
The Fragile King or Queen of Pain
Abuse, in its many forms, leaves you in a state of: Why me? What did I do to deserve this? How
can I…go on?
With abuse, repression of the events, or creation of a scar
that never heals right, are natural defense mechanisms that allow one to forge
ahead. To survive, but not thrive. To march on, but not to march through
obstacles. Instead, you create a wall – with the words shame, humiliation,
blame, fear, sadness, and most prevalent of all – anger – written and built to
last forever, if need be.
A fortress of solitude or the castle of whispers that you
rule without a corresponding confidence in either its existence, or its
necessity. Yet, you rule it nonetheless; because it makes you feel “real” – its
tangibility to something you know is real to your life: your pain.
Often too, as an outgrowth of the abuses (or even perceived
ones – as neurologists have concluded can exist), a sheer lack of
introspection, a focus on item obtainment/attaining success (each a soothing
mechanism to one’s bruised psyche), or repeated failures in intimacy will follow,
or concurrently arise. A person no longer acts authentically; rather, it is all
a well-crafted façade, a way to cope with what ails them.
Reflexively, people that interact with you, aren’t sure
about your actual identity. Because while they see you, attempting to be that
better person, something real is held back. It’s a perception issue; the
amazing human mind can sense the hurt and missing part of what was the total you. This will interfere with
successful relationships – and explains the coping mechanisms engaged in.
Alleviating Pain: Remove and Deny the Source
This isn’t your fault at all. But the solution is
your ultimate task and is your responsibility: to review, reflect, and
bring to closure these deep wounds and bring down the wall. Grief the past and
let it go are the answers to seek out. You’ve likely heard this for a very long
time from the well-intentioned, and not-so-well intentioned sources.
Potential loves and true friends meant well in advising and
should be kept in your life. The easiest identification of true friends: they
want your company, not what you have,
and are consistent and respectful with others of all classes and walks of life.
But, the very ones that hurt you so much –
often, they lack both empathy and a conscience, with their manipulative and
self-serving actions and facility with lies. Address this immediately, with
no contact, it is ultimately the best, and most realistic solution.
As these predatory influences too have substantial work (urgently
and significantly on themselves) to ever prove that they are human, and have a
conscience. That of actual, sustained and unforced therapy, brain diagnostics
and deep work, proven empathy (elsewhere), and no repeated failures towards you.
A two strike rule can apply (only if you decide that is warranted, given
the nature of the events). But finally: Never let yourself be invested or
dependent on giving any second chances. Actions are greater than any words.
The Personality Disordered
This moves the conversation into abnormal psychology realms
– that of typical Cluster B personalities (Anti-Socials, Narcissists,
Borderlines and Histrionics) and Psychopaths that have impacted your life with their
abuses. It is proven by Drs. Robert Hare and Martha Stout, and a multitude of
neurologists, that these disorders are inflexible, and nearly incurable, due to
biochemical brain patterns existing; and their equally sustained behaviors.
Traits of Cluster B Personalities and Psychopathy (Hare, et. al.)
Emotional Presentation
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Social Presentation
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Glibness/ Superficial Charm
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Impulsiveness
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Ego Centric/Grandiose
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Poor Behavior Control
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No Remorse/Guilt
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Need Excitement & Create Drama
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No Empathy
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Lack Responsibility
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Deceitfulness & Lying
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Early Behavioral Incidents
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Shallow Emotions
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Anti-social – Outside social norms
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Boredom
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Criminally Versatile
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Genetics will play a substantial (35-50%) role in the reason
for those that have engaged in abuses against your person, violating trust,
boundaries and causing stress and duress. Environmental and approved social
maladaptive behavior (during their upbringing) furthers embeds, or installs, a
toxic program of not being able to treat any other with any respect.
In the case of Borderlines (due to the label being tied
predominately to female disordered patients), dialectical behavioral therapy
(DBT), developed by Marsha M. Linehan, PhD, is used to treat the thinking
patterns seen in Borderlines: all or nothing reasoning, suicidal ideations,
from dysregulation of emotions –as they present with low empathy. Linehan, was
diagnosed in her teens with a mental disorder and received chemical treatments
prior to 1965.
§
Mindfulness:
the practice of being fully aware (in the present)
§
Distress
Tolerance: tolerate pain in difficult situations, not to change it or
distort it
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Interpersonal
Effectiveness: ask for what you want and say no while maintaining
self-respect and relationships with others
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Emotion
Regulation: change emotions that you want to change
This said, functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) has
revealed that those with borderline personality disorder (BPD) have lowered
brain activity in regions important for empathy. (August 2015 Psych Central post by Rick Nauert, PhD.)
So, not all hope is lost. But, also beware.
Fighting against the above high-conflict seeking disorders,
this author knows how hard this path is. The identifiable traits of those
disorders listed above have been routinely experienced from one’s closest
relatives through to romantic interests to one-off friends.
An entire book could be written on these experiences and
years wasted trying to come to grips with violations and poor responses had in
those “relationships.” Maybe, such will also be cathartic.
But, at the heart of those chapters on the whys of those
interactions – lay another label,
Codependency
– the often transferred traits of the truly disordered onto unwitting, but no
longer completely, healthy people. A few tell-tale signs of being in such a
dynamic:
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Having difficulty making decisions in a
relationship
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Having difficulty identifying your feelings
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Having difficulty communicating in a
relationship
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Valuing the approval of others more than valuing
yourself
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Lacking trust in yourself and having poor
self-esteem
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Having fears of abandonment or an obsessive need
for approval
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Having an unhealthy dependence on relationships,
even at your own cost
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Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility
for the actions of others
Beth
Gilbert, January 2016, Everydayhealth.com
Codependency Personality Disorder Traits
Caretaking
Low self-worth
Repression
Obsession
Controlling
Anger
Denial
Dependency
Lack of Trust
Poor Communication
Weak Boundaries
Sexual Problems
As a result, many years can pile up on regrets, bargaining
with ghosts, and the phantoms of what-ifs. The finding of ways to avoid that
which you really want – or substituting that with a lesser ideal, a common
codependent trait. The hiding away from others or even incapacitation in having
just simple conversations becomes a rule, not an exception. Finding adverse
outlets into drugs or alcohol accompany this behavior. This behavior is a way
to dull pain, avoid responsibility for your life, and makes matters only worse,
never dealing with the root causes of your problem.
The New Self
Even when you accept this required, recovery journey and
cross that bridge from the hurt castle (and set fire to all of it), thus also peeling
away that scab that covered up a bruised inner self, the fresh air hurts still
on that raw revealed wound. You will feel too exposed. Naked. Alone. A fraud
again, at first.
And well, so you have another trek ahead – to finding out who you really are. Or more importantly,
who you want to be now.
This is alone makes
discovering who you are, and loving that flawed person, the most important goal
you have in your life. Not to be ever narcissistic about it, the currently modern
social media daily showing off sessions, but rather: quietly able to stand your
own presence, your thoughts, and the times, when, your brain doesn’t provide
immediate answers to your relationship questions.
Instead, to be quite blunt, the learning the how: of a human
being – one without a cell phone, computer, email or TV for days – that doesn’t require stimulation from everything going
on, out there. To dream about simple things, and ambitions, tied to a real
outcome of developing yourself, a little
at a time.
This is at the root of you. Before the recent
industrial and internet ages, didn’t people get by with a few books, a simple
fire, a reoccurring chore, and a shared trek with another (or others) in making
their lives special? While we “love” our possessions and connectivity, this has
just filled needlessly a space between us – that used to serve a different, and
very useful function. That breath of air, time, and silence slowly went away in
just the last 150 years.
Get back to that bit of finding yourself able to be, at
peace, without.
(Side Note: the growth of psychology has
intertwined with the industrial and internet ages. Not to say disorder and psychopathy
didn’t exist prior to 1865. The “crazy houses” then, didn’t know what they
didn’t know. Also, the last thirty-five years show a trend.)