A 2012 Mid-Year in Review: A Year Without Mom

I have not been writing very much lately. It has dawn on me that my skills as a writer may not reach a level worthy of recording every silly thought or review of a situation. Just seems irrelevant to pop online to talk about whatever movie, legal case, political issue, or economic turn happens to catch my fancy for the time it takes to organize some coherent thoughts. Other matters are more important than the contributions one makes via blogs.

Today, one year has passed since my mother's death and funeral. Obviously, it runs through my head a lot. July 4th is my grandfather's death to remember too. So while others prepare for food fests, live concerts, fireworks, tracker pulls, horse showings, and whatever else makes the Fourth, the fourth, I will likely ride my bike around campus a lot and watch movies for my own way to get through the holiday.

The year since has been one of reorganization and reality. I got into to Purdue again, achieved my best GPA ever and semester honors, and will take the GMAT in August. I moved to West Lafayette, and currently, paint apartments and bust up plaster that needs work while spackling over the rough spots too. My life too needs more spackle (and walls of plaster) in places we've discussed before, many years ago on this blog.

I spend most of my time alone. Have not made good friends yet, not for lack of trying. But again, as always,
past experiences and realities just are...there. A line from the movie, Hoosiers, by Barbara Hersey's character regarding Gene Hackman's plights before coming to Hickory to coach basketball: "A man your age comes to a place like this, either he's running away from something or he has nowhere else to go."
At Purdue, a little of both is probably true of me.

I saw this course as the last go at school and whatever that might bring. That there can not be much to gain from staying on a paper route, hoping I'll get ahead, and knowing it never did get me (or my mom) anywhere in the decade plus of time we both dedicated to that task. That I also have no where else to go and no one left in my life to share it with is true. This is due to a fear of intimacy.

To be clear: In the last moments and months of my mother's life, I found a closeness to her even as she could not always make clear her thoughts (dementia and cancer.) Being relied upon, and counted to do the right thing, is never easy. I made mistakes and stress was in every decision. Yet, I did my utmost to give my mother as much of a happy time as we could afford. (Her favorite: going to PETSMART to pet the cats. We went about twice a week as it was nearby.) Simple, frivolous to many I suppose, but it was something. Book stores too were treat. Shopping at Target. Watching the Cubs...

But outside of that one relationship (the easiest one to be closest, for many people, but not all), I have no real close relationships. Just superficial acquaintances and meager work connections that end at the juncture of mutual interests and quitting time. Years ago, I discussed this from the woe-is-me, victim-is-me standpoint. I was who I was then; flawed and failed and flailing around for answers. It was after the first time I seriously attempted to tear down a codependent, fear-of-rejection/intimacy wall as a recovering alcoholic in 1999-2000 while in a community organization. Later, I was duly burnt by pursuing an unavailable woman; reacted very badly to her salt-in-the-wounds rejection; was punished rightly for my bitter and spiteful words in retaliation; and had to accept lies told (to buttress the legal case) on top of that. And then...life had to go on with the damage done.
  
Now, I have tried to be more open, yet guarded also, since there are others out there that are just as hurt and
just as willing to repeat their cycle of re-victimization. So while I can hope to make things work, I realize what are the missing pieces to the puzzle: intimate relationships. What is worse - I have never seen them in operation in my own life. No happy intimate relationship while in any romance. (14 years since I've even kissed a woman.) Barely a friendship to count on. For some, I can hear, "well, you need to give more to others." 

The last six to eight months, in various ways, I have made strides on this area. At least dozen fellows, for various reasons, I have tried to advise in long form. Work-related, life goals, self-improvement mantras, or titles of worth, or just general encouragement in pursuit of the long-term. Sometimes a few minutes, others, maybe 1/2 to and hour in social atmospheres I probably should not be in - bars. Advise, not, "This is what you should do...period," instead just stories from my own failings... Yet, while worthwhile, it lacks. It's not fulfilling long-term. Still does not solve my own personal issues. But, I try.   (And for contrast: I've tried a couple times to talk to ladies. Not very successful at all - nor were they open to advice - in fact, plenty of know-it-all ladies must attend Purdue. Wisdom: the outcome of failed experiences. Or: You can learn a lot from a dummie. )

That said, you have to Run Your Race. (See Below.)

So, that's the year in review, mid-year. We will see where I am next year.

Will I still blog, if infrequently?
Will I be in an MBA program?
Will I make a contribution of note?
Will I cross a rubicon in my evolution towards a more whole and satisfying life?

I realize some may not like Joel Osteen, but a few bits here in Run Your Race are worth listening to:

1) 20:25-22:30 Saul & High Maintenance People
2) 24:15-25:30 The Old Man, the Boy, and The Donkey, People Pleasing
3) 25:35-27:15 Dreams Untold (Joseph, Mary)
4) 11:55-13:00 The Pit: People Pleasing, Ignoring Advise

 

Tidbits from the Tele: The World is Going Mad

TV Series Going, Going, Gone!!!

I woke today...a bit...hungover. Yes, I danced with the devil last night under a pale moon. The graduation ceremonies at Purdue were rocking, and people came a knocking. So I went out - and drank a bit more than a socially acceptable limit, and likely said, some socially unacceptable things, but all in good fun. No personal jibes.

So, back to the real point of this post. Seems most of my Hulu favorites to kill some time on are going bye-bye. GCB, Pan Am, The Finder, and House are all finished. House, after a glorious if an uneven run at times, bids us farewell and leaves a trademark character in the TV universe, that of Gregory House. I hope the finale is worth all the psychological and philosophical ground trekked over the last decade by Hugh Laurie's character. But, everybody lies.

GCB was a replacement show; but, it seems television execs actually thinks they can get the same ratings out of all the shows they put up. Instead, reality shows, winning money for singing, business planning, cooking, or quiz show mastery seems the pace of things in TV land for the foreseeable. Pan Am too was doomed by high expectations and very poor script writing. The Finder - my quirky favorite, like Psych  -  likely a product of bad timing, a Fox overkill of weird shows (so the Finder is actually normal by comparison), and no place on the network.

It seems many of the shows I like get axed quicker than most. For example, these shows all had good casts - GCB was a real hoot, superficial Texas people with modest charm, pulled off by a half-dozen real talents from David James Elliot, Leslie Bibb, Kristin Chenoweth to lesser-known names like Annie Potts. The Reillys (Miriam Shor, Mark Deklin) are an interesting set that will get lost to the ratings axe: that of a successful rancher and gay man with a career-always-first woman both engaged in hiding their arrangement while striving towards a more friends-with-benefits-and-responsibilities marriage. As sit-coms go, it just came too late to get the Modern Family treatment and accolades. That formula did not save it.

China's Rating System IS No Better...Still, America, Wake Up!

Moving on to other TV stories, China is pumping their kids up with IV fluids to get them higher test scores. And they achieve it- #1 in math, science, and reading - at least in Shanghai, which is not counting the other one billion point three souls (1.3 billion) who probably like to be educated too, and lo, were not studied. As James Fallows deduces about those Chinese 15-years old children:

It is certainly arguable the Chinese educational system and culture leads the world in training students how to take tests. But it is not clear whether this type of training prepares students for much else other than taking tests. Certainly I have seen much evidence for this proposition in the Chinese graduate students that I have worked with. My favorite examples were the Chinese students with perfect TOEFL scores who could neither read nor write English in any meaningful way. 

That said, what does it say about the United States of America? How does one cope with the hysteria (over the lagging scores in the US, #24) and still motivate our kids to scholastic achievements and to be more able to score well, and also, adapt well to a changing balance in the race (and it is a race) to properly use Earth resources towards humanity's best ends? (As someone is always deciding - consciously or unconsciously.)  And does that fit with U.S. domestic and foreign policies? How do we play the long game - as China has for 5,000 years?

Because whether you believe it or not - it is a competition; their are sides; and, lest we forget, many of those soon-to-be-attending American universities, will, one day, assume positions of power, in business or in government, in their respective countries. And, China is still communist; one party that designs and destines what it sees fit for its people, including which ones get ahead in their system and which ones will have advantages based on those pesky scores. Sure, at 15, they are seen as just eager little sponges of knowledge - but, remember: who amongst them might be the next Mao with a capitalistic bent? Mao did little right, but nonetheless led the nation with personality plus (Chinese style) for 40 plus years (1930s -1976).

I said the world is going mad because I find myself straddling two points of view: sure, China is still underdeveloped in most areas, yet, the high growth areas are rivaling America without democracy; and, I really worry that the above picture is not some righty wing nut's version of the future, but a bitter reality prediction. The second point is not to scare myself or others into extreme behavior. Sure, we need better education - less TV, social media, playing of video games - to be structured towards turning out some real genius level winners in the 21st century of the race to make a better future. 

It is a maddening thing - change. We can accept it; evolve with it; or defy it - or deny it. What camp do you feel you are in?

Stay tuned...

Summing up Spring 2012: Purdue, Part II, Beyond & Debt

Friday, it will be done. Five more classes I will attribute fonder remembrances to only if the grade meets my economic expectations. (Inflated ego or inflated grades?)

Yet, it was easier this go. Amazing what time management does for you as one gets older. When I was younger, I never had time - probably because I wasted it on people (or as I've seen, in hindsight, talking too much about them:see that presently in college) - and so, one rushes around, and presently, they whine a lot. I whined a lot too, then. Not this time.

Not to jinx it, but I should come in around 3.5 GPA-wise. That is the best semester I have turned in since I was in high school in the 1980s. (First college go: 2.7 was my best semester.)

Monday, I start Job #23...or is it #25? I forget, and should stop counting. It will pay for rent and food, and give me the additional finances to do another year I suspect at ol' Purdue. More importantly, I will focus on these three things, and only these three:
1) This job for enough cash and tighter money management (cushion for my screw ups)
2) Completing the book - yeah, been a real slacker on that one...July!!!!
3) Studying and taking the GMAT by end of August 2012: $250 bones for that, and whatever these applications cost

That last one will be the decision maker for my future in 2013. Apply to grad school in Indiana - IUPUI, Purdue, maybe Valpo...or too, some-always-admitting grad school somewhere else. I may also retake the LSAT, by October, but that's rather non-critical - yet if I could gain admittance.JOINT DEGREE!

But you get the idea: I will become grossly indebted ($120,000+), and as a result, by 44, I will also have my advanced education, one way or another. Some may say, "You'll never find the job to match since you'll be only productive, what, 10-15 years?" Well, maybe I'll be productive 30 or 40 years? As it stands, I am not productive or considered worthy via my current background, so, why not go into debt --it's the American way!

And also, in the long run, we all pass from this mortal coil. (History lesson: Many kings died insolvent back in the Medieval times...(Judith Bennett, Medieval Europe, 11th edition, 329) Anyone care? (Creditors) President Jefferson was deep in debt as he pass in 1826. Anyone chasing him through the ages? Nope. So why should I care? Or why should you care?)

I think I know enough about life's importance and debt too now.

My mother will be gone a year come June. And so, what I do is often a reflection on what she would hope I had done since her passing. Not everything - I am no saint - but when I stick to a higher purpose or thought.

That's all for now.

Alphaville: Forever Young plays us out....

How to spend a half-billion dollars?: A hypothetical

Today, as I left class with just a month to go before final grades post, and I, being concerned about that and other things, heard that the lottery had went over a half-billion dollars. ($540 million racked up as I was too busy to notice. So, I don't gamble much on the lottery.)

So again, I detoured from home. Went to the local gas station and plunked down $1 on the lottery sure that I will win, and become uberwealthy and never want for anything again, ha! ha!

So what to do with $330 million after Uncle Sam gets his cut at 25% and Indiana gets 3.4%? Or the annuity of $17.64 million in Indiana, which could also raise their taxes in the future? (Take the lump payout!! The inflation is low now...but...better to have the money to manage in one lump than spread it out - which - is ok at low interest rates, but I think I can find enough banks to spread the wealth into...to cover my but, again, ha! ha!)

1. Endow Purdue University with $30 million. Currently, their endowment size is only $2 billion. Hope they will build a nice building regarding a new interdisciplinary academic program that ties business, technology, arts, history, and engineering together. Find a professor to head up this new program. If not, they did me a favor, so I'll return it, many fold.
2. Create a scholarship program of $250,000 per year for 4 students at Purdue. I figure that can pay the current tuition for four years of study, and probably, for the next decade. After that, well, that's for administrators to decide. The prerequisite: a student that came through significant hardships, older applications likely preferred, who show a dedication to educational pursuits, likely, after not achieving the highest grades upon first entry. Interview process. An essay of around 2,500 words. Really, just someone not cut from the same model of 18-years old and unacquainted with setbacks as an adult.
3. Start a business. Yep,  have been working on that too. But with capital, I can do it right. Meet the right people, investors that I can do due diligence on (not someone's sucker, like this article represents lotto people as)  and get things going in the right direction. Employ people, install management, design the products and process, and seek out those that can contribute the right skills.
4. Do something for my mom. Her 60th birthday just past. She did not live to see it. However, I think I can do several things she wanted to do. Adult literacy, invest in business start-ups run by talented, but underfunded women, work on a memorial that I think she richly deserves.
5. A modest home (under $500,000) near water - but not right on the beach. A place I can write, contemplate, run operations of the publishing empire (ha ha) and make some life changes I seemingly never have had the opportunity to do.
6. An affordable lifestyle. See, the lottery winners of the past 25 years have typically done all the stupid stuff. Buy on credit. Never invest. Let leaches in. (I know who are my friends....and they are indeed few.) Let family manipulate. (No wife now. No kids. Two closest relational ties are strained....distant ones, I have no connections with - so, ideally, the best candidate to win the half-billion. "Hey, God, you want someone that can actually make a difference with loot - that's me.")
7. Travel. Yep, I'll do that once I get the wheels of the financial management working well. As I am non-descript this will be easy to do too. I want to do this to find food for writing thought.
8. Goal completion. I have a list of 60+ goals that I want to achieve. Financial power, as a lottery win provides,  will make these achievable. The list has more donations and improving forces on it than many I know would believe. My task even without the largesse is to make some difference.
9. Pay off debts and my moms too. So, many a creditor can be assured to know that with means, comes payment. That said, I won't be hustled.
10. Enjoy life!

A few handy thoughts: My philosophy without an entire book

While this is not everything I believe, it is a primer on whatever philosophy I have culled together. It is not written as the final word on things, rather, it is just a starting point. Subject to change - as the U.S. Constitution duly is. But it is at the foundation of what I deem important

On Religion: God made a universe, and man was set in motion to either: to make it better (by his flawed reckoning); fuck it up (once again by his own dichotomatic mental process - that of separating good from bad); or just exist in it, with barely a concern for his fellow man; or maybe a concern, but usually with a projection of what is good or bad onto the object of said concern. Makes you want get drunk, now, doesn't it? The Founding Fathers of America were pretty much Deists. While they may have pandered to the common man (denominator), they really preferred to just concentrate on the details of keeping a ragtag, racist, rebel rousing, rough-for-money lot from not killing all their ideas before an abundant land of resources could be turned into a printing press of money. Yet, through the spectacle of time, media, and contortion, these men got more labels of religious piety and concrete Puritan beliefs than a Jeff Gordon race car.

On Politics: If I vote Republican it will be because: I feel a need for more corruption and I have a several hundred million in the bank to buy off either party. Call that a hedge...But that means the Democrats are not a lot much in tune with what it takes.

It is hard to turn around the bus when it is on a cliff and the dead end is too close to back up towards....we missed the boat on what it takes to be the world leader. And the Democrats needed more balls and sense when dealing with the conservative lot...Just a opinion 50% will not like.

These mistakes have arose out of every administration since FDR (not particularly FDR - because, if, you look at his record for economics - taken from Great Depression to 50% of World GDP in 1945-46 - or foreign policy - win wars, rebuilding a new world 'order' - that he tried to set it up.) Yet too, no man knows the future - especially Presidents with all the information they have. FDR did make plenty of errors too, some as a matter of weakness in his final six months on Earth, when the need to fight is quite hard to muster...

But I digressed.

The party system is riddled with poor operation and poor candidates. I am though thankful for the fact I woke up and America had not fallen apart while I slept.

Instead, it does so while I walk in it daily....

Witty quotes to summarize feelings:

• I don't want to sell anything, buy anything or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or process anything sold, bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought or processed -- or repair anything sold, bought or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that. John Cusack - From 'Say Anything'
• Perhaps they were right in putting love into books - William Faulkner
• "Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? " George Bernard Shaw that RFK made famous "...and Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that." George Carlin 
• Riddle me this, riddle me that, who's afraid of the big black bat? -Edward Nygma in Batman II
• Excuse me? Ever dance with the devil in the pale moon light? - Michael Keaton (Batman 1989)
• Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
  Escribir, por ejemplo: "La noche está estrellada,
  y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos."
  El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta....  

• Tonight I can write the most sorrowful lines. 
• I can write, for example: "The night is star-filled
• and the blue stars are shivering in the distance."
• The night wind turns in the sky and sings... Pablo Neruda

 Movie Dialogue:With Honors (1994)
Simon Wilder: You asked the question, sir, now let me answer it. The beauty of the Constitution is that it can always be changed. The beauty of the Constitution is that it makes no set law other than faith in the wisdom of ordinary people to govern themselves.
Professor Pitkannan: Faith in the wisdom of the people is exactly what makes the Constitution incomplete and crude.
Simon Wilder: Crude? No, sir. Our founding parents were pompous,  middle-aged white farmers, but they were also great men. Because they knew one thing that all great men should know: that they didn't know everything. Sure, they'd make mistakes, but they made sure to leave a way to correct them. The president is not an elected king, no matter how many bombs he can drop. Because the crude Constitution doesn't trust him. He's just a bum, okay, Mr. Pitkannan. He's just...a bum.

A Few Good Men

Jessep (Jack Nicholson): You want answers?
Kaffee (Tom Cruise): I think I'm entitled to them.
Jessep: You want answers?
Kaffee: I want the truth!
Jessep: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives...
       You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall.
       We use words like honor, code, loyalty...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!
Kaffee: Did you order the code red?
Jessep: (quietly) I did the job you sent me to do.
Kaffee: Did you order the code red?
Jessep: You're goddamn right I did!!

These are starters again. Just nuggets to think on.


The movie quotes reflect that things are always questionable. What are we trying to do: save lives?, as Col. Jessup reflects while doing it without the honor to the basic human tenant that all life is precious. Though, I do agree that it is a tough duty to defend freedom with your hands tie behind your back. In the With Honors' piece, I suspect we all feel bum-like, the inevitable result of life being a series of misfortune and poor doors chosen. The Batman selections are the psychological deconstruction of not playing with a full deck characters. They too see the need to question. Say Anything is self-evident; the need to play the game like others is not really what I want to do either, yet, I've done it. RFK and Carlin question why and why not and the time it takes.


So there it is - for all to see - my credos in life at this juncture. In 2020 or 2024, maybe it will be more thorough and a more enlivening discussion to reflect on what I believe.