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Monday, August 22, 2011

Working Paper: The Real Color of Money

If vulgarity and vice are not your cup of tea, then reading on will not be a fruitful exercise. But if you drawn like a moth to the flame - time to burn!

At the end of the day, when all the work and play is done, you’ve either given a handjob or sucked someone off to a better end (you hope) to improve the next day of sucking and jerking the purple-headed yogurt slinger. Most do this act without a direction or decision to the party involved. You tell the boss, “yeah, I’m on it,” thus jerking him off. The creditor that calls – you give them the handy handjob excuse: “the checks in the mail.” Or you give a current boyfriend a hummer to keep him less suspicious of your backdoor dalliance with that rich old fart that you’ll give handjobs to, for now, in the dreams of the money honey flow. It goes around like this, males and females alike, taken to the task of pulling on someone’s frank in the fiction or perceived escape hatch that we don’t wind up like Cambridge economist John Maynard Keynes quipped: “In the long run, we are all dead.”

Leaders of the world give blows to their fellow leaders. POTUS has called up Hosni Mubarak, Muammar Gaddafi, Robert Mugabe, or maybe Charles Taylor in some woe-is-always-me African nation in crisis, to say, “get it together or get the hell out.” But really, the Prez was just jacking them around or paying “international lip service” – because these dictatorial dudes have all existed for thirty years plus, and will suck on the large financial cock of aid long after the current POTUS leaves for a cushy retirement financed by their own handjob-providing American constituents. (Even as this handjob went seriously awry in the African Spring of 2011. Hey, the Arabs got tired of the blue balls...)

Financial power sucks and jerks Jimmy well too. When ponzi and handjob master Bernie Madoff supposedly sucked the New Yorks Mets owner Fred Wilpon dry of his wealth, the owner dutifully went to the local congressman, or in this case, a former NY governor, tugged on their Johnsons until more liquidity flowed than a thousand pornstars in a congressional circle jerk. Thus, the ‘cock’ ring was complete: a bunch of horny guys participating in a reminiscing frat house elephant walk with money, pussy, and drugs as the usual spank bank enablers. Yet, a lawyer (need I say more?) stepped in to add more sperm to this dish: a trustee for the victims of the ponzi scheme wants Wilpon to pony up some of his returns (about $700 million into the load cycle of this $60 billion plus spermicidal drama.)

The key for these last two groups: they get to pick the size of the pecker and load they will likely handle. It started early on – as general ass kissing – then evolved into well-directed schmoozing, reached mastery as professional lobbying (jerking loads of pertinent knowledge and bullshit and money onto someone-thinks-he’s-important desk or really is the HNIC), then culminated as massaging multiple peckers for multiple ends to get multiple massive loads. It’s a skill to master quickly – as it takes on an importance to the way the Earth revolves. Not enough jerking off going on – the Earth will stop.

Chaos will result.

It happened with Lehman Brothers. One leveraged-to-the-hilt bank failure caused money to freeze up like a frigid old bitty on an Antarctic sperm whaling trip without a dildo to be found for a thousand fucking miles. Why? The merry-go-round of credit cumshots (bankers throwing loads of money around the globe) stopped – no one wanted to pull on Jimmy anymore – afraid they’d be stuck with a steamy load all over their financially fucked faces.

Happen too in the 1920s. Those pesky war reparations were an international jerk off. Germans paid in Papiermarks to England and France. The Hundred Years’ War participants paid American bankers (in real gold, a major cumshot) who then, in jerking off unison, rolled this into greenback paper to shift back to our German cousins. But that ended (someone got wise to the handjob nature of it) – hyperinflation, Reichsmark issued as the new currency in 1924, and a guy name Hitler rose up to jerk three billion or so people off for a decade plus – and John Maynard Keynes was too right about all of it. (As he wrote presciently about the dangers after quitting the Treaty of Versailles conference. The Economic Consequence of the Peace (1919))

Adam Smith, the Wealth of Nations dude, spoke of the “invisible hand” of the market. Wasn’t he just talking about the “invisible handjob?” One – that left to its own devices – will make us all wealthier, happier, and free?

But this all came from the mind of a guy that was ugly as original sin, perpetually buried in books, and made his last lot in life working for the Scottish government in customs – a jerkoff post if ever there was. No, our friend Adam, going back to the bible here, was just as oddly enchanted and slavishly hopeless with women as the next dude, and just never got off enough to make any offspring that we know of. Undoubtedly, Adam split his seed; but to no avail.

While the commoner jerkmaster too can blow hard to the four corners of the Earth, hoping to change his behavior or his stars, he’s sowing the proverbial seeds of his own kind and kin. With the expressed hope that by blowing someone right, he might too wind

up with more stuff to leverage and get more and better opportunities to handjob the right people for the right price, as his lot will surely increase many fold.

He or she will find religion – praise Jesus or Mohamed or Buddha – and keep failing at controlling his or her urges, thus violating his/her own belief system. We do it because someone else wants us to suck them off – give a favor – or jerk them – give them a lie to satiate their human needs for knowing the universe actually supports their little narcissistic plans. Then too we divide along some ideological lines to make this into another game of: “Jerkoff, I win – Jerkoff, you lose.”

Conservatives, for example, adore Mr. Smith – the invisible hand or the “creative destruction” principle – is likened to a sexual experience to them. And what is jerking off or blowing a guy off but creative destruction? (The split seed analogy.)

Not to be outdone, liberal/Commie Keynes likened the economic forces to the “animal spirits” being unleashed. The Great Depression was the abject taming of those spirits. Reminds me of a Bloodhound Gang song, The Bad Touch: “So lets do it like they do on the Discovery channel…”

Another misogynist (note: Keynes detested teaching women, yet engaged in homosexual relationships), Napoleon Hill noticed men of great power must garner such drive from having an intense, ever present, and urgent sexual appetite. The necessity to throw ones dick around to be handled regularly by women, by hook or by crook, is apart of the instincts to success, Mr. Hill supports in his classic tome: Think and Grow Rich (pg 184.)

And Wall Street is full of these swinging dicks. The military too has a swinging dick private, or general, or two. (Tailhook scandal, anyone?)

All ideologies stem from this pattern – someone has to be jerked or blown. It’s inevitable; even God himself is known for blowing hard to part seas or giving us 40 days of rain and flood. (A metaphor is to be had here – but I’ll leave it to you sick and saintly minds to come up with it.)

Our ancestors knew these things – partook of the vile and vulgar such as we do – and whatever principles were, indeed, damned. Nope, these behaviors will go on…and the jerking off story only gets better from here.

(Just don’t get caught on tape doing it. The visual is a visceral no-no if you want to achieve more than any sinful commoner.)