‘Consumer’ Holidays: Peanuts, Tears, and Silent Nights

Chapter 10 of My Life and Times at Purdue University

No easy way to start off this installment of the My Times, as it is the worst time of the year for those not blessed with large families, or caring ones, to be of truth. The only family member I was ever glad to see was my mom. As you know, she’s gone. Only been a few months. And it seems like so long ago we were discussing another failed Chicago Cubs move, or what car to fix when we had the money, or how we’d hope this holiday would be either more peaceful or more plentiful. Rarely did the last happen.

I won’t discuss here all the feelings I have for other relatives. Not helpful, nor respectful to my mom. Suffice to say the bridge is burnt and the water is an ocean of discontent and dysfunction.

While I miss her, there are 'these things' we generally tie to these holidays.

The bang up way we void ourselves of personal happiness through a shopping spree we’ll regret next January through October. The coming changes in weather as we finally move to sweats, Häagen-Dazs on the sofa, and a boob tube flickering (hi-def style now) to the latest soppy story of holiday spirit rekindled by some 40-something (that was A-list, now C-list) actress making goo-goo at some country singer wannabe Brawny towel guy that puts a sparkle in miss A-to-C’s Spanxs. Oh, it is so romantic that the backwash taste of Pepsi likely does me less harm.  Macy’s will roll out a cavalcade of C-listers just because who else, with any major industry pull, is diving for the chump change that is: calling out floats and naming off high school marching bands? And who can forget that Victoria will show us The Secret?

Stay tuned.

Yes, that is a preview of the coming weeks. The Peanuts gang will get their walkers out and show us why Chuck is Chuck. The lovable loser that makes Chuck on NBC a numb-chucking success that only NBC could love. (Give their nose dive from the Nielsen…) Will Snoopy re-inflate the ratings of Pan Am enough to defeat all those CSI shows destined to pay a nod to the holidays with some flight beyond the criminal? Or maybe will get an Obama Xmas special? At least half of America will be tuning that out on principle, if a Gallup poll tracks right. These are a few of my least favorite things: holiday specials, TV shows departing, and the meandering melodrama of my administration while millions make due with less.

Staying tuned in even less.

I haven’t watched a regular TV in months. I watch Hulu for free, or rent from Redbox. Netflix is next. In essence, the holidays of old are gone. No Rudolph to watch; or Frosty or Jack Frost.  Nightly news is less relevant to me – though I should stay in touch since Economics is my future game. Just that…since mom passed, the things I could spend time on are so irrelevant. Sports, nope. News, not really, all that – if bleeds it leads stuff, that sickens me.  I like to read – but even, at that, to static. I’ve done that aplenty. The time here is too short to give over the precious little time we do get.

I want a new life – and know it is now all up to me.

The holidays fall close to the beginning of a new chapter here, at Purdue, as the tears flowed today while listening to a cover of One by Warren Haynes. (Up above.) His acoustical guitar and voice brought the thoughts of how one I am now. But…my mom’s spirit seems to be here.  So, two is not a lonely number. And she is thoroughly A-list in my heart.

Silent nights, but hopefully, not lonely nights.

Happy HalloThankMas: Let the Holidays Suck IN!

You gotta hand it to the Retail Section of the Captains of Industry, they know us all too well. Since people started abandoning Christmas and Thanksgiving, Halloween has become the commercial jackpot to flock to by these big-box, chain store and mall anchors we-shop-till-we drop at.

The Christmas season begins November 1st on WLIT in Chicago as they play Christmas music 24-7 for two months solid. I get to hear Amy Grant's "It's the Most Wonderful Time of THE YEEEAAAARRRR!!!!!!" until my ears bleed, if I let my mom pick the station on the RAD.

The Holidays have never been my cup of Joe. My mother no longer has the Holiday Cheer and I don't get much uplift from the usual fair of people I meet. I get more out of watching "Charlie Brown's Christmas" , Rudolph's "I wanta be a dentist" cartoon and "Jack Frost" trying to score a honey, on the money, sonny than any real closeness to goodwill to my fellow undercover brotha.

I'd like it to be different. I really would.

Long time ago, Halloween was just excellent. In the late 1970's and early 1980's, I scored candy better than a cocaine user looking for a kilo of Columbia dancing dust. We'd go out all night till 11 PM, make two-three trips, then eat and go to a haunted house at midnight. All the fake blood you could see. Coffins and just totally weird music and everything blurred by smoke. (Not pot smoke.) Everything about the experience seemed fast.

I also remember in my first years of school I was picked as the kid to get the crap scared out of by a teacher. I'd be sent to get something in a empty room --all dark like -- then bam! this teacher in a gorilla suit jump out and scare the piss literally out of me. I'd run fast as hell back to class, tell everyone a gorilla was loose and the class went out looking for him/her. It was a blast.

I know those days of fun are fin. Nothing is going to happen to me this holiday season that will stick in my mind. Not going to find love. Or a lottery jackpot. Or resolve some long-standing, but short-thrifted issue that could broaden my horizons. Sorry, that isn't what the holidays are for.

I'll "do the mall", window shopping items for myself and others, hoping a movie will be worth watching, probably go to Chili's, TGIF or some other eatery on a gift card obtained doing deliveries. It will get tiresome after a day. I'll think about church...Only think though. And soon enough the entire thing will be over. And another year will park in the NEW EMPLOYEE parking lot of our minds.

The Twelve Days of Demented Christmas -circa late 2005

1. Holding a séance to bring back Elvis Presley from the afterlife just to ask him, "Just what kind of psychedelic drugs were you take while filming 'Roustabout'? Because that movie sucked…Mr. Presley."

2. Crank calling Bill Gates (AKA Santa Claus or The Incredible Software Hulk) to say, "Hey where's my XBOX 360, punk? And why are the games $20 more… for the same fucking game!!!?"

3. Scheduling an appointment with Dr. Kevorkian for a Colostomy. During the procedure, he offers you Twizzlers, hands you Juju petals and says quite chipper, "Every time a bell rings, an asshole gets cleaned out. Time to Check out to Kott's Berry Farm, cocksucker!!!"

4. Holding a G13 Summit Meeting with such heavyweights as the Bush sisters, the Gore daughters, Christina Aguliera, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Nichole Richie. You discuss arms proliferation while playing a mean game of Strip TWISTER. Al Gore interrupts with an Inconvienent Truth: you ain't man enough to handle all these gorgeous, if emotionally fragile, women.

5. You and a best friend go dumpster diving in the swank neighborhoods of Aspen, Colorado looking for the best possible morsel tossed out by these fly-by-night YUPPIES. You encounter Kobe Bryant…looking for his "A" game.

6. After his long Christmas MASS, you wake The Pope abruptly from his slumber and tell him, in Latin, "Credo Elvem etiam vivere! Die dulci freure! - I believe Elvis lives! Have a nice day!"

7. You climb the Empire State Building (with Naomi Watts in tow.) At the top, you scream, "Look, I'm on top of the WORLD!!!" and bungee jump off, only to realize (too late) the cord is 5 feet too long. Naomi spends several hours waiting for a helicopter ride, then flags a cab to Peter Jackson's next film set of weirdness and Oscar 'potential.' Note: That's one more woman you won't be getting laid by....

8. You'll make a blood pact, hammered, with Bill O'Reilly to reduce the number of KFC franchises in NYC while swapping war stories of conquest, drunkenness and lecherous behavior at The Doll House, an upscale strip club in Atlanta. O'Reilly looks at new intern(s) possibilities and ferrets out a few "video resumes" from the candidates for perusal later. Later, Bill gets picked up for soliciting sex from a tranny… You testify against the prick.

9. You attempt to rob a 7-11 at the exact moment Gary Busey and Winona Ryder decided to do the same. You bond, and become the famed trio of Pistolero Bandits: Gary Ryder Harder Trio. You rob 7-11s, Speedways and Sonics from coast to coast and never get caught.

10. You wake up Christmas Day and find yourself as a CARTOON working as Beavis on 'Beavis and Butthead.' You get to rehearse, "The angle of dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the meat," while sitting in your STAR chair at Universal Studios. Everyone wants to draw you…Then you get transfered over to the Family Guy...and watch as they erase Beavis and Butthead.

11. While flying the U-2 spy plane (learner's permit), you run into Wonder Woman and set down in Aruba. Things ensue…you get married and have 50 super strong, but super dumb kids, and Wonder Woman needs full body lypo shortly after her 350th birthday. (Fountain of Youth discovered…but skin never quite stops drooping…)

12. And finally, each Holiday, you find one profound reason to give joy and happiness and peace unto men: You like the upside of monetary gain, personal attainment of materialistic goals and overall acceptance into the milieu of your peers and inferiors. …And it sure beats the Hell out of being a Fucking Scrooge!!!

And the beat goes on to 2008....