The Holidays have never been my cup of Joe. My mother no longer has the Holiday Cheer and I don't get much uplift from the usual fair of people I meet. I get more out of watching "Charlie Brown's Christmas" , Rudolph's "I wanta be a dentist" cartoon and "Jack Frost" trying to score a honey, on the money, sonny than any real closeness to goodwill to my fellow undercover brotha.
2. Crank calling Bill Gates (AKA Santa Claus or The Incredible Software Hulk) to say, "Hey where's my XBOX 360, punk? And why are the games $20 more… for the same fucking game!!!?"
3. Scheduling an appointment with Dr. Kevorkian for a Colostomy. During the procedure, he offers you Twizzlers, hands you Juju petals and says quite chipper, "Every time a bell rings, an asshole gets cleaned out. Time to Check out to Kott's Berry Farm, cocksucker!!!"
4. Holding a G13 Summit Meeting with such heavyweights as the Bush sisters, the Gore daughters, Christina Aguliera, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Nichole Richie. You discuss arms proliferation while playing a mean game of Strip TWISTER. Al Gore interrupts with an Inconvienent Truth: you ain't man enough to handle all these gorgeous, if emotionally fragile, women.
5. You and a best friend go dumpster diving in the swank neighborhoods of Aspen, Colorado looking for the best possible morsel tossed out by these fly-by-night YUPPIES. You encounter Kobe Bryant…looking for his "A" game.
6. After his long Christmas MASS, you wake The Pope abruptly from his slumber and tell him, in Latin, "Credo Elvem etiam vivere! Die dulci freure! - I believe Elvis lives! Have a nice day!"
7. You climb the Empire State Building (with Naomi Watts in tow.) At the top, you scream, "Look, I'm on top of the WORLD!!!" and bungee jump off, only to realize (too late) the cord is 5 feet too long. Naomi spends several hours waiting for a helicopter ride, then flags a cab to Peter Jackson's next film set of weirdness and Oscar 'potential.' Note: That's one more woman you won't be getting laid by....
8. You'll make a blood pact, hammered, with Bill O'Reilly to reduce the number of KFC franchises in NYC while swapping war stories of conquest, drunkenness and lecherous behavior at The Doll House, an upscale strip club in Atlanta. O'Reilly looks at new intern(s) possibilities and ferrets out a few "video resumes" from the candidates for perusal later. Later, Bill gets picked up for soliciting sex from a tranny… You testify against the prick.
9. You attempt to rob a 7-11 at the exact moment Gary Busey and Winona Ryder decided to do the same. You bond, and become the famed trio of Pistolero Bandits: Gary Ryder Harder Trio. You rob 7-11s, Speedways and Sonics from coast to coast and never get caught.
11. While flying the U-2 spy plane (learner's permit), you run into Wonder Woman and set down in Aruba. Things ensue…you get married and have 50 super strong, but super dumb kids, and Wonder Woman needs full body lypo shortly after her 350th birthday. (Fountain of Youth discovered…but skin never quite stops drooping…)