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Saturday, January 12, 2008

Being Positive?: You go &%*# yourself!!!

I am not going to rant about American people. Though, when you really stop and look around, you'll see plenty of immorality, hear disquieting things and feel quite disenchanted with the way everyone nearly is. (I know there are 'good' people. But I seem to never be around when they do their wondrous acts.)

Beyond that, I get the sense that we ignore a lot more. Simple courtesy, recognizing when others are down or taking a moment to say, "Well hi. Isn't this a (pick your adjective) day?" Those things don't come too much from anyone I meet.

People are too caught up in their gig. (And everyone I ever meet has a more important gig than mine. I know it. So I don't like talking about my gig anymore. I used to like talking about my gig.)

But when I ask, "So, is your gig going to do X for you in Y years?" I get either dumbfounded silence, a hem-haw response or a look of withering contempt over my presumption over what their gig should be doing for them.

The fact I am too interested in what they are going to be doing, or why they do it or how maybe they could do it better, seems too intrusive. (I guess that's a quality I picked up at the School of Stalking I must have attended...)

Maybe I am tired of talking about my feckless life, since that's what it is currently. (And maybe for 7 years or more.) I like to hear someone talk about themselves, to either:

1) To learn about them, their dreams, aspirations and what drives them to
do what they do
2) To assist them in whatever way I believe I can apply my meager
talents: a direction, a suggested education, a website or maybe tutoring on some subject.
3) To learn from them a nugget of information, or knowledge to apply
somewhere now, or later in my own life.
4) To garner some humanity from the inhumanity I schlep through on a
daily basis

Believe me, I talk a lot. (Going back to my pre-school days.) But, I also listen to people as much as I can. I will remember some innocuous fact about a person's life, a birthday, a book they've read, a hobby they like or their favorite sports team, because I found it an interesting thing
about them
. Not everything, but usually something they don't expect me to
remember at all - especially if I only talked to them once or a handful of

But (this practice) I don't seem to get much out of it anymore. People aren't much for convo. Either because of fears they have abruptly taken too much to heart, or their gigs are now all they are. Too busy. Don't need you unless you can immediately satisfy my needs. (Whether they be financial, physical or emotional in tenor.)

I've lost my sporadic positivity in the last few years due to these things. I can't keep trying for upbeat (and yet I still do, but get disappointed more easily now) in offering what little I can to people. I'm not a Joel Osteen or even given to such spiritual things...(Though I have unfortunately taken to watching his show on Sunday morning after I do my route.)

What I offer is not enough for most. Whether it be an ear or a few dollars (that I have a hard time coming by myself) or some other assistance. I know it. I have a hard time accepting help too. (Some that read this blog know it.)

What's worse is when whatever you offer is critiqued as, "well, though it is free, it is not quite what I wanted (or enough.)" I know, I've done that plenty too.

So, what am I going to do about it? Likely, stop trying to give. At some point, I get tired of the rejected offering. Somehow, the package I present is unworthy for human eyes and hearts, so it is bothersome to continually attempt to do the right thing and get shut down or ignored.

This is a wrong in a world full of wrong. But I don't think what I am doing is likely going to raise any eyebrows. The position I come from is inherently weak all ready. Strengthening it is a Herculean task that I haven't found the stamina to consider.

Those that can, will do. Those that can't, must step aside and be quiet.

(Which is ultimately best for me. Since my voice is adding more noise than harmony.)

My mood is sullen.
I don't take great pleasure in this post.
But being positive has never ever been one of my strong suits.

Have a Day.
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